Dependence on Others

I have found that I am not as much as a solo creature as I used to be. I think I have grown accustomed to having people around. I now hesitate to go out alone, and I only do so as a last resort - even staying in by myself has a higher place on my list of options. Though I am pleased that I still find going out alone comfortable. The debate now is whether this is good or bad.

In some ways, it is good to be a social creature. One cannot live in a bubble, after all. And I bet needing others makes me, in turn, a better friend.

But I find myself being frustrated by my dependence on others. I feel trapped inside my apartment if no one is available to spend time with me, which in turn makes me feel angry. And then there is the trouble of hunting down people and inviting them out. Rejection is hard even when it is a casual invitation. I don't know how to inject myself into fully formed friend groups. And besides, should someone have to inject herself into fully formed friend groups, or should it happen naturally?

My struggle over this conundrum is actually beginning to affect my relationships with others. A co-worker of mine, someone I always felt comfortable around, has recently proven to be too much for my social anxiety. Having devoted myself to my relationship, I haven't developed a precedent for spending time with this co-worker outside of work despite my interest to do so. Now that I'm free, I've tried to start such a precedent, but I've been hitting nothing but walls (though I'm not sure if they are imaginary or real). So I stopped trying. He continues to be nice to me, oblivious to my frustration with him. And now I'm stuck. Do I face this head on - approach him, tell him how I feel? Or do I let it go? I've tried too hard and put too much in too many situations in the past - almost all being completely or mostly unrequited. So I'm quick to write people off and move on.

And so I am torn between needing social interaction and resenting that need.

I suspect Facebook makes it worse. It is easy to develop a (probably false) sense of inclusion and attachment. I can be in touch with real live people at any moment. I find that I'm on Facebook almost all day, scrolling through others' public displays. Yet I'm afraid to "cut the cord" as it were. I'm in the middle of a job search, and there are social benefits to staying in touch even through social media. Pluses and deltas. Pluses and deltas, man.

This post is not at all connected to food. I apologize. Perhaps I will leave you with this thought: ice cream is delicious whether it is enjoyed together or alone. It is the perfect food.